One of the things I love about the two models that I’m the most trained in, Natural Lifemanship (the horse therapy) and IFS (Internal Family Systems) is that these models both play well with others. Both models are good at providing a framework that techniques from other therapies can hang on. They are both about how relationships are created and unfold. Natural Lifemanship focuses on external relationships, mostly, with the horses, and with other animals and people. IFS focuses mostly on internal relationships.
IFS and the relationship with Self
IFS fits nicely with how messy things can be in my mind sometimes. It gives those little odd-ball parts of myself a place to be. These silly parts do need a few safe external relationships where I can be vulnerable and let them be seen and accepted by someone I trust to be gentle with them. I don’t have to show them to the world, they are not part of my public identity. However, if I only have a public persona, I get cut off from these delightful sprites as well. Or I fear that they might be discovered and everything I’ve worked for will implode. But when I know them and that they form the background that my public identity comes from, I can deliberately form relationships between them and my inner core. (mentioned in the previous blog post)
The IFS model refers to this core as the capital S Self. But I like to use some different words as well because I think the concept of self can be a little muddy. There are many therapy models that talk about “self”, and they all mean slightly different things. The Self in IFS embodies qualities that the IFS model calls the 8 Cs: Creativity, Curiosity, Confidence, Courage, Clarity, Compassion, Calm, Connectedness. There are also 5 Ps: Presence, Patience, Perspective, Persistence, and Playfulness.
Defining public and private
This is where the internal “branding” is so important. Getting to really know ourselves, our preferences, our neurodivergences. Who are we at our core? This is identity work. And so often everything else flows from this understanding. It is hard to have good boundaries (external “branding”) when you don’t know what needs protecting. If your core really needs some alone time with no agenda to recharge, but you think you have to say yes to every potential networking opportunity, then things go haywire. If you aren’t tending to that need to recharge, then you will show up in these networking areas as burned out, or disorganized or any number of ways that won’t move you forward. You may meet a lot of people, who might think, “gee I don’t want to work with this frazzled person!” On the flip side if you tend to that core, give it the regeneration time it needs, you will go to fewer networking sessions, but the ones you do go to will produce much better relationships to propel you forward. One aspect that a well-tended core brings forward is confidence (one of the 8 Cs). Yes, tending to yourself, in the specific ways that you need, will build confidence.
I’m built from many parts: my internal community
This is also where intersectionality, which is a diversity term, can get very complex. We tend to take up broad brushstroke identities as our public brand. The most prominent for me currently is that of being a therapist. Before it was being a mother. This makes sense. These are identities that are easy to understand.
But there are so many other parts of me that make up who I am. I’m an artist. But I have several favorite media and styles. I like to work with watercolor and pen and ink sometimes, and sometimes with acrylic paint, or play with colored pencils. I do Urban Sketching, portraits of my pets, and goofy cartoons. Sometimes I work in three dimensions with fabric or clay. None of these details are apparent in the phrase “I am an artist.” And this is just illustrating one aspect. Which happens to be one of my aspects that I don’t mind talking about in a public forum. There are many others that wish to remain more private. But it is important for me to have a good understanding of these more private parts because they do inform my desires and my decisions. If I’m aware of what is going on internally then I can make more informed and intentional choices.
Building a relationship with yourself
How do you build this kind of relationship with yourself? You have to create a practice of turning inward. Journaling can help. Or having Imaginary conversations with yourself. And therapy is a great place to learn more about these internal aspects. A good therapeutic relationship will allow you the space and the relative comfort to explore some of these aspects. Therapeutic groups are good too, knowing that others have similar parts can be very relieving. But this does mean making time for this part of self-development. Especially in our fast paced, achievements-oriented world it can be difficult to allow time for “wool gathering” type pursuits. And yet they are so important for being able to manage the fast-paced commercial world. So, knowing the parts of your internal brand, the ones that don’t go on the mission statements or make it to the marketing posts are important too. They are part of the whole brand package.