I spoke with my sister-in-law the other day. She has a lot on her plate, coordinating care for aging parents, launching young adults as a single parent and going to school herself while maintaining a full-time job. When I asked her how she was doing she said, “I’m fine.” She’s going to school for a care taking type of job, similar to mine. So, she said that all her colleagues know that when she says “I’m fine” to ask her what she needs.
Sometimes being vulnerable risks more pain
“I’m fine” is a sort of public branding that many of us do. There is an innate need to not let others see we are struggling inside. And this is true for many types of social animals. Horses are experts at hiding pain because a horse in pain is a weak link in the herd. The weak animals are the ones targeted first by predators. This public performance is protective, it keeps them safe. But pain is also a signal, it lets us or the horse know that something is malfunctioning and needs some kind of help. Sometimes being vulnerable about that pain can help us get that help. But sometimes being vulnerable brings more pain.
There is a lot of conversation going on out there about being vulnerable these days. Brene Brown champions how brave it is to be vulnerable. But many people miss that part of her message about being brave is that you are only vulnerable with the people who deserve to see that side of yourself. It is healing to be vulnerable with someone who can see your pain and knows how to offer help. Even if that help is allowing you to not have to face the pain alone. Being mutually vulnerable can deepen and make relationships richer in beautiful ways. But being vulnerable with someone who wants to use your pain to cause additional hurt is dangerous.
Sometimes a mask is necessary
There is also a lot of conversation going on about masking for neurodivergent people. Much of this conversation is about detrimental side effects of masking. And those are many and significant, (especially if you start to believe the mask is who you should be.) However, masking wouldn’t be a thing if it didn’t serve a very important purpose. Masking, just like the horses hiding pain to not be targets for predators, is protective. Masking social differences serves the function of protection from social predators, those who wish to belittle, bully, or exclude; those who need to control and dominate (often as a way of hiding their own vulnerabilities.)
The structure of the Internal Family
Internal Family Systems, IFS, developed by Richard Schwartz talks about these different aspects of ourselves as parts. We all have parts. Some of them are protective and some of them are vulnerable. The healing in IFS comes from getting the system to reorganize so the vulnerable parts can let go of some of the wounds that created their vulnerabilities, and can have more say in the system, while allowing the protectors to do their jobs of keeping the whole system safe, or free them up to do other jobs. There are times to bring a protector forward, such as the Mama (or Papa) Bear part when you have to face off with your child’s school system. And there are times to bring the vulnerable parts forward, such as in a romantic dinner with your lovely partner. The healing comes from knowing when and how to bring forward the parts that are needed. Being vulnerable with a bureaucratized system can just get you mowed over. Being Mama Bear with your partner doesn’t help the relationship much.
But our parts sometimes have minds of their own, they don’t trust our inner core to know what to do, even if it does have deep wisdom. They don’t trust because of times when we were small and our inner core wasn’t equipped to handle certain situations. And like over enthusiastic puppies, parts often jump in to the fray at inappropriate times. The protective parts sometimes protect when it is not needed, like being a Mama Bear with a partner.
Being authentically safe, the public performance
This public facing side of self-branding is where I walk the line between being authentic and being vulnerable. I tell a lot of personal stories here in my blog, but they are also personal stories that I don’t mind being public. I think carefully about how I feel about revealing my experiences. I’m not going to share things that I haven’t worked through, or that stir up those internal icky feelings. I’m not going to share things that I believe can be used against me. (Though I also know there is an aspect of risk in sharing anything about myself.) Standards and norms change over time, many things that used to be acceptable no longer are. And being offended is such a personal experience there is no way I can not ever offend anyone. Some people are not going to like me no matter what. There is a tiny voice inside me saying “what? But everyone has to like me, that’s how I stay safe!” Definitely coming from one of those people pleasing parts I have.
In a sense we are always “marketing” ourselves because we must constantly assess what sort of context we are in. Who is the “audience” we are presenting ourselves to? Is this a public self or private self situation?
Check out Part 1 of my That's on Brand? blog series.
and tune in again for Part 3.