I had an intensely frustrating experience this morning. It was related to trying to attend a video doctor’s visit for my teen. Many things went wrong in terms of not having relevant information. I was feeling distress.
Distress occurs when there is a difference between what you expect to happen and what actually happens in the real world. Being prediction machines, our brains really don’t like it when the prediction is wrong. There are different levels and degrees of distress depending on how big the gap is between the expectation and the reality and how sensitive your brain is to those gaps. Gifted brains, in general, have a higher sensitivity to expectation gaps. This is why gifted people often have an intense need to make corrections when others make perceived errors in statements. Making a correction helps relieve the distress. (You don’t even have to be factually right about the correction, you just have to believe you are right to close the expectation gap.)
Experiencing distress creates energy and tension in your body. The purpose for this energy is to be able to move to make whatever seems wrong right again. However, in my case, the type of distress I was feeling was frustration. Frustration occurs when the energy to change the expectation gap is blocked. My expectation gap was “my daughter will see a doctor at this appointment time I have set up.” The real-world experience was that I didn’t know how the video appointment would work, the appointment time came, and nothing happened, there was no doctor, and no way to do anything about it. In my case there were also several more layers of expectation gaps that increased that frustrated energy. I could feel tears stinging my eyes. Crying wouldn’t solve the problem, but it would let some of the energy flow and ease the feeling of tension.
Another thing that happened was I got angry. Anger is another type of energy response. It happens when frustration becomes intolerable. (this is one of the origins for anger, not all of them.) I wanted to yell at the person who finally did call me, telling me they had a wrong phone number in my daughter’s file. I knew that this person couldn’t do anything about it, other than correct the phone number, so I was able to hold myself in. But that didn’t relieve the pressure I was feeling on the inside. What did happen was later I yelled at my husband when he tried to make a helpful comment. Because the comment wasn’t what I needed in the moment, it increased the pressure and I released by yelling. A few minutes later, realizing what I had done, I apologized and made a repair to our relationship.
So, when feeling distressed, and crying isn’t appropriate, and yelling isn’t appropriate, what can you do? Find a way to move. Movement starts to use that energy and starts to calm down parts of the brain searching for comfort. Rhythmic movement is best, think about what a mother does when a baby is distressed, she will pick it up and rock it. The steady, rhythmic motion of the rocking soothes the lower regions of our brains and helps them integrate with the rest of the brain. These lower regions are the parts that deal with safety, the parts that become alarmed when the world isn’t the way you think it is, because then it might be dangerous.
What did I do? I put on a playlist with some Native American drum songs, because those have a strong rhythmic beat, and I went for a walk, because walking uses most of my body.
I also cried and yelled because this particular situation was complex. I would get myself calmed from one event and another would occur, remember I said there were layers to this. I complained to my friend. She helped hold my story, gave some of that energy a place to go, and offered her own calm for me to borrow. I apologized to restore my relationship with my husband, because having a relationship in harmony is calming.
I share this story because while I’m a therapist, I’m also human, and gifted. I get discombobulated by distress too. It’s not so much about what happens, it is about what you do next.
Check out this list of great rhythmic videos from Natural Lifemanship.